12.02.09
The Cop Who Saved Christmas
And now for a Christmas story:
It was the first of December, the time of year filled with thoughts of hope and peace and togetherness. It was the time of year when families would reach deep into their bank accounts to find ways to make each other temporarily happy. Yes, dear readers, it was gift giving season.
Thus were the thoughts of this particular Hawaii couple as they got ready to go to work for the day. They piled into the car, fastened their seatbelts, and backed out of the driveway. Now, this particular apartment complex is tricky. If the couple used the back gate, they could not legally turn left into traffic. But if they used the front gate, they would have to spend an extra 2 minutes on the road. Being the practical, timely couple they are, they decided to use the back gate. The decision meant an inevitable left turn, despite the posted signs and difficulties in the early morning bustle.
And wouldn’t you know it? As soon as that couple veered left into the lane, the wife spotted a police car in the oncoming traffic. She probably wouldn’t have noticed except he was picking his nose. It’s hard not to look. But the police officer also spotted her. And the couples’ left turn. He flipped a u-turn, and flashed his lights.
“He’s pulling me over,” said the poor husband as he glided to a stop not to far away. The husband may or may not have said not nice things in his head. It’s difficult to say.
When the police officer came up to the window to say hello, the husband already had his response ready.
“The left turn?”
“Yep. License and registration?” The wife then dug through the glove compartment to find the paperwork, even though she’s only been pulled over a couple times and didn’t really know what she was looking for. But it didn’t matter anyway because the couple didn’t have their current insurance card. The police officer took the incomplete information and went back to his vehicle.
He took a really long time. And the wife wondered what could possibly take that long. She may or may not have said not nice things in her head. It’s difficult to say.
“I’m surprised you didn’t lie,” said the wife sweetly as she waited.
“Excuse me?” said the incredulous husband, who is also a pastor. He doesn’t lie. Most of the time.
“I’m not saying you’re a liar. I’m just saying that most people would say they forgot or they didn’t see the sign or something.” And by most people she meant herself. Because she’s a pastor’s wife. But she lies. Some of the time.
“I just thought it would be better to be honest,” said the husband honestly. But the wife was a little irritated in her head. She speculated on the cost of the ticket. $100? $500? It was difficult to tell. But this did not look good. Because it was the time of peace and hope. And of expensive Christmas gifts. They were a couple of humble means. A pricey ticket at this time of year would help no one. Why didn’t the husband just make up an excuse? But then the police officer came back.
“Ok, what I’m going to do is give you a citation. You didn’t ‘BS’ me and try to get yourself out of it. I appreciate your integrity. All you need to do is sign here and make sure you get your insurance taken care of.”
And the couple realized they would not have to dish out money on their illegal activities. They were given a second chance. And the wife could not believe it. The truth? Had set them free? Plus she was a little embarrassed for telling the husband to lie. And then for getting irritated about it when he didn’t.
The wife had realized the value of telling the truth. And she was sorry.
And that is the story of the cop who saved Christmas by not giving the practical couple a ticket that would deplete their Christmas savings.
End.
12.01.09
Phocordians: Scrap Your Way to Christmas
Welcome to the beginning of the end of the year! Christmas is coming. And I’m finally ready to admit it. I’ve pulled out the music. I’ve started the cookie baking. But I really need to start thinking about gifts. This year will need to be creative. Sentimental. Not costly. And I’ve got the perfect idea to start us off.
A couple years ago, a friend told me about these scrapbook things. Homemade photo albums basically. They turn out to be really thoughtful gifts to give to friends and family. A few of you have asked me for directions. So here it is. Merry Christmas. The gift of instruction. Passed from friend to friend. What should we call them? We thought “Phocordians” was a good name. And not just because this word makes us laugh. It fits. You know, because they’re photo albums and accordions put together. It’s a very simple design that I’m happy to pass along to you.
The materials:
- Glue (make sure it’s the scrapbooking kind so it doesn’t eat your pictures)
- Double-sided tape (I prefer Scotch. Cheap brands don’t cut it. Remind me to tell you the story…)
- A cutter (You can use something like the gray one above, or plain old scissors will do.)
- 2 feet of ribbon
- 2 7X7 inch pieces of light cardboard
- 6 12×12 pages of scrapbooking paper (4 for the inside, 2 for the covers)
- 3 12×12 sheets of cardstock (the thicker construction paper)
Let’s begin. Ahem.
Grab your two 7×7 pieces of light cardboard and select two sheets of 12×12 scrapbooking paper. These will be the covers of your “phocordian,” so choose wisely. Or go crazy. No matter. Wrap both pieces of cardboard with the paper as if you were wrapping a present. It’s good practice for Christmas. I typically stink at this step, but it doesn’t matter too much. Tape each side down toward the middle.
When you’re finished, you should have two covers that look something like this.
Select one of the covers to be the bottom, grab some double-sided tape, and stick the ribbon in the middle of the cardboard. Be very particular about getting the ribbon directly in the middle. Nobody likes one side longer than the other. Set the covers aside for later.
Next we’ll do some cutting. The remaining 4 12×12 sheets of scrapbooking paper will need to be cut down to 5.5 inch squares. I usually do this by trimming the edges down to 11×11 and then cutting it directly down the center, both ways. Once you have 4 squares from each sheet, take two of the squares from each paper and cut them diagonally down the center (as shown above).
If you’ve done it right, you should have 2 5.5 inch squares and 4 triangles of each paper. For this project, select one really awesome square and 3 super great triangles of each paper. Set aside to let rise. Now comes the difficult part. This is where I lose most of you. That’s right, we’re going to fold. Don’t panic.
Grab your 3 pieces of cardstock. Don’t worry. Each piece is folded the same way. First, fold the paper in half (hotdog style, although both ways is hotdog style with a square).
Turn it sideways and fold it again down the center. Important: the fold must be bending inward and up, as shown above.
Here it is. The hard part. Turn the paper upside down so that the folds bend toward the table. Fold again into a triangle against the grain of the other folds. You’ll only do one triangle fold. Whew! Is that confusing? It’s hard to explain.
If everything goes well, the paper will fold into itself as shown above. An easy way to make it fold correctly is to put your fingers on the fold lines where you bent the triangle and squeeze.
When all is said and done, you should have three cardstocks that look like this. Smooth on the top, folded in the center.
And now it’s time for gluing. Arrange the cardstock as shown above. The squares will fit nicely on top of each other. You should have 3 points on top and 3 points on bottom. Glue the middle cardstock to the two other cardstocks.
You are ready to paste the triangles and squares to the cardstock. Arrange it in any way you’d like. There is no particular rules about this. Except that I have rules for myself about which colors can go where. But you don’t have to do it. I give you full creative license.
Once you’re finished gluing, it will look something like this. See how nice a border the cardstock created behind your squares and triangles? This is your platform for photos. When everything is dry, you can write and color and paste your photos in here. But we’re not done.
When it’s dry, it will fold like it did before. Except this time there are three parts instead of one. The pretty squares and triangles should be on the inside of your fold. From here, we’ll add the covers.
Tape the outer edges of the cardstock with double-sided tape.
Center the cardstock on the middle of the bottom cover. It should fit like stuffing in an oreo. Repeat this step with the top cover. Tape the top of the cardstock, and center the front cover.
It looks like this.
And it opens. As long as the ribbon is not tied.
And reveals the accordion center. Where you will put your photos. Or let somebody else do that part for you. And you’re done! Congratulations. You’ve scrapbooked. Once you’ve done 70 of these puppies, it should take you about 20 minutes to do the whole process. I’m assuming it’s around $10 tops for all the materials (including glue, ribbon, and tape). That’s a pretty cheap gift, right? But not cheap looking. And that’s the distinction. This is love. Phocordian style.
I’m happy to clarify any steps that have caused you pain. Happy scrapping. Happy early Christmas.
And welcome to the season of Christmas posts.
11.30.09
Death by Delivery
I almost died yesterday. Almost. As in nearly. For all practical purposes. Bordering on, in the vicinity of, practically, and virtually dead. It’s a near miracle I’m alive to tell the tale. And I’m not lying this time. I can hardly believe it even as I write this. I could have been sprawled out on the pavement, bleeding profusely, limbs flailing helplessly. Yuck. But I’ll tell you what happened. Don’t freak out. I’m right here. Everything is okay. Just sit down. Take a deep breath. Mom, calm down.
So I went running yesterday. And there I was, clunking along, trying to keep my shorts from riding up and working those elbows to keep up the pace. You know, with the post-thanksgiving huffing and wheezing. I rounded the corner and came up to the shopping center along our 3 mile route. There are a ton of stop lights on this road. It really throws off my groove. But I came barreling up to the first light, and you know how those cross sections have a right turn lane that yields to the oncoming traffic? The kind that actually curves toward the road and doesn’t make you wait at the light? Well, I needed to run through the lane as part of the route.
I did my pedestrian part and looked both ways and used the crosswalk and dotted my i’s and crossed my t’s.
However.
There was a car in the lane. A Papa John’s delivery car. And I swear he saw me coming. He even stopped on the back side of the crosswalk. So I thought it was safe to cross. Bad decision. He kept edging forward, like he didn’t see me. I followed his eyes into the oncoming traffic and saw that the guy had an opening. He was going to go for it. Time slowed. Things grew sharper. Adrenaline started pumping. I heard the noise of the flaring engine. Two more feet. Just make it two more feet and you’ll clear the car. But he was too close.
It was like one of those slow motion scenes from an action flick. Honest. I jumped in a sort of calculated roll, throwing my pelvis forward and my back toward the car. Like when those buff movie guys slide across the front of the car to catch the bad guys. It was just like that. Except I didn’t actually touch the metal. I jumped high and glided over the hood and landed on the other side. The bumper was inches from crushing my legs. For a minute there, I knew I was going to be paralyzed for life.
It was like a dance. I don’t know where I learned my moves. But it was incredible. I was unscathed. Other than my blood pumping insane. And you know what? The guy didn’t even look at me. I turned back around to give him the dirtiest look I could muster up (and I can get a serious “stink eye,” just ask Brandon), but he didn’t even look at me. He almost took my life or seriously injured me, and I didn’t even get an I’m-sorry-I-didn’t-see-you wave. Can you even believe that?
And for the rest of the run, I thought about how fleeting life is. Like a vapor. And in doing so, I realized that I have a few goals I still want to meet. I don’t mean the obvious ones like have a happy marriage, get pregnant, have a successful career, become a Godly woman. Yes, I want those, but there are also some other things I’ve wanted to do for a very long time. Things I think I could really do at some point. Things I want to do before I lay sprawled out on the pavement, bleeding from an attack by a Papa John’s delivery vehicle.
Here they are in order of priority, as all lists should be:
- Write and publish a series of bibliotherapeutic children’s stories. I didn’t make this up. Bibliotherapy is a technique that applies literature to discuss difficult situations in the plot to help children (or adults) identify and work through their own problems. It’s used a lot with children who are dealing with divorce, special needs, moving, bullies, etc.
- Learn photography. Because I think you’ve had enough of my fuzzy pictures. And because I’m trying to live creatively. And because there is still a journalist buried in me somewhere.
- Paint a mural. I tried this once on my bedroom wall, but I never finished because I couldn’t decide what I wanted to permanently look at everyday. But I really want to try again. And paint something big. And artsy.
- Visit Costa Rica. This goal has been around for a decade. Literally. I caught wind of the Costa Rica charm and I’ve wanted to go ever since. At one point, I was planning my after college life around doing prison missions there. But I got snatched up by a boy in Hawaii. And I wasn’t sure I’d get to shower everyday if I did missions. So this has been put on hold.
- Move to Kansas. Go ahead. Say it. Why on earth would you want to move there?! I’ll tell you why. I’ve lived in mountains. I’ve lived on beaches. And now I want to live where you can see the wind blow through the open plains and the curve of the earth.
- Go to a movie theater alone. I’m pretty sure this was my goal when I was 12. I’ve always wanted to do it. To me it symbolizes independence. Confidence. Security in who you are. And we all know I have some issues with that.
- Learn to love cooking. Not sure this will ever happen. I think I just need to embrace the creative side to cooking and not the sticky, hot mess that comes out of me when I try it.
And that’s what I came up with on the remainder of the run. Someday I’ll do these things. Hold me to it.
